By: Lubna Zia-Uddin, Exploratory Academic Advisor, Undergraduate Education, Office of Academic Advising, and Elena’s Scholarships for Student Well-Being Mentor
“With self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend.” – Kristin Neff
Building compassion for ourselves is so much easier said than done. Whether it is in our own personal lives or work, we are told that self-compassion is important for well-being. However, putting self-compassion into practice is not always easy. Many of us pour our energy into others but neglect to give ourselves the same level of attention and care. Self-compassion is particularly important for college students because it can help release pressure and relieve stress during college. Let’s explore why self-compassion is important for well-being, as well as some practical tips that we can use to develop more self-compassion in our lives.
We cannot provide what we would like to give other people if we do not have the compassion to give ourselves.
In my work in education – first in K-12 education and now in higher education – I have seen firsthand how not giving ourselves self-compassion through grace and kindness can lead to increased stress, burnout, and lack of motivation. It is sometimes a cyclical phenomenon, which many people find difficult to escape. As educators, we have the responsibility to provide efficient, innovative, and proactive support, guidance, and critical thinking skills to students. We also dive deep into our creative sides to work on solutions to problems and come up with ideas for how to improve processes and teach in innovative ways. So, we are constantly giving – to others, to our projects, to our colleagues, and then to our families and friends. If we put ourselves last, we won’t have any more compassion to give. Instead, we will be harshly critical of ourselves. Choosing self-compassion changes our mindset, freeing us to explore how we can step back and see situations through the lens of empathy for ourselves.
I try to exemplify this in my work every day – with both students and myself. Self-compassion goes deeper than simply saying “Everything will be okay.” It delves into the essence of loving ourselves enough to give the grace that we abundantly give to others to ourselves, as well. In my current role as an academic advisor and my previous role as a success coach, I have often discussed self-compassion in conversations with students. I believe that for anyone who works with students or in any type of supportive guidance role, it is important to talk about self-compassion regularly. Students often come to meetings sharing how they have not met certain goals, or that they feel they need to be at a certain place with their academic journey but feel like they are not getting where they want to be in the timeline they had in mind. They put immense pressure on themselves to achieve. When circumstances do not go as planned because life is unpredictable, some have a hard time being kind to themselves. They feel tremendous time pressures and struggle to see that taking more time to figure out their plans can be a gift to embrace and appreciate. While I am unable to tackle the deep-seated reasons why some may feel that way, I endeavor to support, guide, listen, empathize, and provide a safe place for students to share. Also, I share the importance of choosing how we respond to life stressors and how we can use self-compassion to reframe our thoughts and change the words we use to describe disappointment. Ultimately, I want them to leave our conversation feeling a bit less anxious, more informed, centered, and at peace as much as possible. I aim to work toward helping students see that their timeline is their own. So, if they don’t achieve everything they aim to accomplish, being too hard on themselves will not serve a good purpose.
Another element I like to bring into conversations about self-compassion is the idea of connectedness. As humans, we feel comfort in connecting with others. That is why many of us put so much emphasis and weight on our relationships with family, friends, work colleagues, and others. Social connections also coincide with being in a community and having the support of others. Building connections with those in a community of other people who have had similar experiences, and engaging in fulfilling conversations about those experiences, is very powerful. The positive influence that we can take from learning about others’ stories can be transformative for us. We can elevate the level of our thinking from self-loathing and worthlessness to self-love and acceptance.
Self-Compassion Research Intersects My Work with Students
Self-compassion offers us significant well-being benefits. A University of Texas at Austin research study shows that self-compassionate people “are more able to admit mistakes, modify unproductive behaviors, and take on new challenges.” This Mindful.org article explains that the benefits of self-compassion include less stress, more happiness and motivation, better health, and stronger relationships.
According to self-compassion researcher Kristin Neff, “Compassion derives feelings of building a community and there is a sense of feeling a connection with others.” I encourage students to build a supportive community around them by connecting with their peers and meeting with student groups on campus so that they do not feel alone or isolated. The emphasis on building a network around us is important because self-compassion is something that we work on together. It is why I encourage students to not be alone during times of crisis or challenge. Community helps all of us feel that we are not alone in an experience. We all have had life and personal challenges which, if we share them with others, can help lighten the load and normalize the complexity of life and also bridge people together.
Along with connection to community, I want to remind students that part of self-compassion allows for there to be adequate mindful reflection – having a balanced awareness of the present experience instead of putting more energy and thought on painful thoughts and emotions (Lopez, et.al., 2016). Students can allow space to perceive things from the outside in. It is important for them to take a step back and be able to see how far they have come.
Allowing ourselves grace is a vital part of practicing self-compassion. This level of grace is more prevalent in my work with students who have been redirected from other programs. These students often feel a sense of loss and failure, and they feel they have little to no direction about future plans. So, I remind them that they are not the only ones who have experienced this, and that a step toward acceptance can help with distressing and challenging emotions. In addition to the emotions attached to the experience, there is a sense of confusion and overwhelm about what to do next. This is where I remind students that college is full of different experiences and opportunities. It is where we then start conversations about new major pathways and interests. What motivates them to want to pursue a degree and a career? These conversations cannot happen unless students do some form of self-acceptance and compassion work. Those who are able to accept and move forward from a predicament with a mindset of grace and forgiveness for themselves are best able to navigate their next goals and make progress toward completing their degrees.
Self-Compassion Tips
It’s vital for all of us to integrate self-compassion into our lives daily and then make this practice a well-being habit. Self-compassion involves being supportive of ourselves when we experience suffering of any kind. So, for us to maintain self-compassion, it is important that regardless of what type of suffering we are going through – mistakes, weaknesses, failures, losses, or other challenges – we are present with our own pain.
Also, it’s important for us to feel connected to others who are also going through something similar and understand that support comes when we seek it and when we are open enough to engage in what that support can teach us. That is why the guidance of academic advisors and other resources on campus such as success coaching and mental health support is vital for students to feel that they have a small community of people who are behind them. If it were to have a name, I would call it: “Mason’s Community of Compassion.”
Here are some other important ways to add self-compassion into our days and slowly weave them into our lives:
- Self-kindness versus self-judgment
- Common humanity versus isolation
- Mindfulness versus rumination
Some ways to incorporate self-compassion as we work on our daily tasks are:
- Comforting our bodies: eating healthy foods, getting some type of movement in our day, deep breathing, and sleeping well
- Practicing mindfulness and gratitude: taking time for meditation, prayer, or healing affirmations
- Being in nature: fresh air, sunlight, and being around nature can allow us to connect with what is important and also gives us space to reconnect with our thoughts without the noise of everyday life and its stressors. It allows for a pause and reset button.
Self-compassion is a necessary skill for us all to have and to incorporate into our lives. We can use this to help us assess our emotions, stressors, and goals we hope to achieve. It is something that we need to give ourselves enough of each day for well-being. Given that our lives are constantly being pulled in so many different directions, it is important to stop criticizing ourselves and instead reflect and give ourselves compassion, kindness, and respect. We can nurture ourselves to feel whole and at peace.
Additional Resources
Learn more about self-compassion in these YouTube videos:
“Kristin Neff: The Three Components of Self-Compassion” from the Greater Good Science Center
“Self-Compassion” from The School of Life
“Meditation: Awakening Self Compassion, with Tara Brach” from mindfulness meditation teacher Tara Brach
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