By Al Fuertes, Ph.D., Professor, School of Integrative Studies, and Senior Scholar, Center for the Advancement of Well-Being
“Without forgiveness, there is no future.”- Archbishop Desmond Tutu
We often discuss forgiveness in the context of personal relationships, yet sometimes overlook its broader implications for well-being. The choice to forgive has great power to strengthen well-being – for those who forgive, those who are forgiven, and society as a whole. Here’s how practicing forgiveness can have a profound positive impact on individuals and communities.
The Difficulty of Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a challenging and often misunderstood concept. It’s not about forgetting or condoning the wrongs done to us. Rather, it’s a voluntary act that involves letting go of resentment and negative judgment while recognizing that a wrong has occurred. Forgiveness is a deeply personal process and should not be confused with reconciliation, which involves restoring relationships between the parties that have experienced conflict.
Forgiveness is not always easy, especially when the pain is profound and the damage is severe. In cases of heinous crimes or deep-seated hatred, forgiveness may seem impossible. However, forgiveness offers a way out of the cycle of victimization and hatred. Holding onto anger and the desire for revenge can further imprison us in bitterness and resentment.
When South Africa made a national-level commitment to bringing about healing in the aftermath of the apartheid, the country’s leaders focused on forgiveness. Archbishop Desmond Tutu and then-President Nelson Mandela emphasized the power of forgiveness while working together with the Truth and Reconciliation Commission (TRC). While forgiveness may be necessary for a country like South Africa to move forward, the fact is that forgiveness is not easy, nor does it happen overnight.
Rwandans who have made a conscious decision to heal as a nation in the aftermath of the 1994 mass genocide contend that the process of forgiveness (and reconciliation) is never easy. They had to struggle to live again as neighbors, and (re)discover the power and the pain of radical reconciliation – as documented in the film As We Forgive. Such a process requires an extraordinary journey from death to life through forgiveness. I learned this firsthand from years of working in Rwanda on psychosocial trauma healing as well as forgiveness and reconciliation processes with former perpetrators and former victims – now survivors – of the genocide through various national and international non-government organizations. Participants in my trauma healing workshops in Rwanda told me that forgiveness is the only option they had in order for them to be able to move forward and heal as individuals and as a nation.
Forgiveness does not come easy, especially if the injury is too deep and the impact too devastating. When one is hurting because of human atrocity, sometimes it can be difficult to engage that person in some meaningful conversation about forgiveness. Most likely, they are not ready to talk about it. Many people refuse to even hear the word “forgiveness.” Why? It is because forgiveness is not part of the inner cycle of victimization. Forgiveness is part of the outer cycle, which is the healing process. In this context, people don’t feel the need to break free of a victimization mindset and choose to forgive and heal.
In her Institute for Multi-Track Diplomacy article “The Healing Power of Forgiveness,” Eileen Borris explains that to practice forgiveness is one of the most difficult tasks asked of us. Yet it is necessary if we want to break destructive cycles of hatred and violence prevalent throughout the world. How else, Borris asks, except through the process of forgiveness, can we allow healing to occur at its deepest levels?
How to Forgive
I learned from working in the field that forgiveness is letting go of that which constricts us so we can move on with our lives, given what has happened. What needs to be let go is a willingness to abandon one’s right to resentment, negative judgment, and indifferent behavior toward one who unjustly injured us while fostering the undeserved qualities of compassion and generosity, suggest Robert Enright and Joanna North, editors of the book Exploring Forgiveness. It is important to remember that forgiveness does not remove the fact or event of wrongdoing but instead relies upon the recognition of wrong having been committed for the process of forgiveness to be made possible. As Tutu explained in the aftermath of the apartheid in South Africa: “Forgiveness is taking seriously the awfulness of what has happened when you are treated unfairly. It is opening the door for the other person to have a chance to begin again. Without forgiveness, resentment builds in us, a resentment which turns into hostility and anger, which in the process, eat away at our well-being.”
In other words, what is annulled in the act of forgiveness is not the crime itself but the distorting effect that the wrong has on our relationship with the wrongdoer and perhaps with others. From the injured party’s point of view, forgiveness will have the effect of preventing the wrong from continuing to damage one’s self-esteem and one’s psyche, thus ending the distortion and corruption of relationships with others, Enright and North explain.
I believe that we, as human beings, are capable of forgiveness. However, forgiveness may not be for everyone. For several years now, I have been teaching Forgiveness and Reconciliation courses to undergraduate and graduate students here at George Mason University, and I always emphasize to my students at the beginning of the semester just how difficult it can be to discuss forgiveness – especially for those who are still going through great pain, bitterness, and hurt due to what others may have done to them. I have students who believe that certain forms of human atrocity – such as murder, rape, and mass genocide – and the people who commit such crimes are simply unforgivable.
Forgiveness is NOT Forgetting
Some find forgiveness difficult because they believe forgiveness means forgetting the pain they have suffered. In their book The Book of Forgiving: The Fourfold Path for Healing Ourselves and Our World, Desmond and Mpho argue that forgiving does not mean forgetting the harm done. Forgiveness is taking seriously the awfulness of what has happened when you are treated unfairly. It requires giving voice to the violations and naming the pains people have suffered, as the Tutus write: “I am hurt, we say. I am betrayed, we announce. I am in pain and grief. I have been treated unfairly. I am feeling ashamed. I am angry this has been done to me. I am sad and I am lost. I may never forget what you have done to me, but I will forgive. I will do everything in my power not to let you harm me again. I will not retaliate against you or against myself.”
Forgiveness is NOT Condoning
One of the powerful arguments in the discourse of forgiveness is given to us by Borris, who argues that forgiveness is NOT condoning, which is perhaps one of the reasons why many struggle to forgive. Borris admits that certain behaviors, such as unprovoked violence, abuse, and aggression, are totally unacceptable.
For Tutu, forgiveness is not pretending that things are other than they are. For him, forgiveness is not cheap for it faces the ghastliness of what has happened and gives (yourself and) the other person the opportunity to come out of the ghastly situation.
What is important to remember is that forgiveness is a process that happens internally on a personal level. The message, according to Borris, is that we do not have to accept someone else’s behavior to forgive. In the words of North: “Forgiveness is the overcoming of negative affect and judgment toward the offender, not by denying ourselves the right to such affect and judgment, but by endeavoring to view the offender with compassion, benevolence, and love while recognizing that he or she has abandoned the right to them.”
Forgiveness is NOT Reconciliation
Borris further explains that forgiveness is not reconciliation. Forgiveness may be a necessary step in bringing people together to reconcile and includes a willingness to reconcile, but it only involves ourselves. Reconciliation, she says, is the coming together of two or more people. I can forgive someone and demonstrate that in my behavior, but I may not reconcile until changes in the wrongdoer’s behavior take place. In other words, we can forgive someone, but it does not mean we have to reconcile.
The Transformational Power of Forgiveness
Forgiveness can free us from the corrosive effects of hatred and anger, so we can then experience greater well-being. According to Webster’s Third New International Dictionary, the meaning of forgiveness is “to cease to feel resentment against on accord of wrong committed, to give up claim to requital from or retribution upon an offender.” Therefore, forgiveness refers to a voluntary act in which a person makes a choice about how he or she will deal with an event concerning the past. One of these choices is to practice an attitude of forgiveness. This attitude allows us to let go of anger and resentment by deciding to absolve what are perceived as wrongs committed by the other. In the process of letting go, we strengthen our well-being.
There is a transformational power of forgiveness that moves us from being a helpless victim of our circumstances to a powerful co-creator of our reality. In this regard, we need to see people with fresh eyes, seeing them anew every day in terms of future potential and endless possibilities. In becoming more loving, compassionate, and understanding human beings, we gain the ability to have a deeper relationship with ourselves and with the significant people in our lives.
One of the highlights of my ongoing work in Rwanda is learning about the continuing well-being benefits of forgiveness. When I ask them, “What happened after you forgave?” they respond, “I was freed!” or “We regained our humanity.” Such a response resonates with other communities that I work with in various parts of the world where former enemies and warring groups have made amends and extended forgiveness to one another on an interpersonal level. “Forgiveness is freeing,” they tell me. “It liberates us from anger and the need to avenge what happened to us”.
This reminds me of a powerful statement by Lewis Smedes, who remarked: “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”
Conclusion
Forgiveness never happens in a vacuum. Nor is it devoid of context. Forgiveness must be grounded on a felt reality, and it must acknowledge the psychological effects of the hurt that has been inflicted. The process of forgiveness must validate someone’s pain or suffering. That is why many resent the topic of forgiveness and they do not want to even discuss it. As Borris explains, “One cannot feel a deep sense of moral injury without a sense of fairness.” In addition, forgiveness can never be imposed on someone who is still living the pain and is stuck within their inner cycle of victimization.
Pain and suffering usually take time to process, especially when we do reframing — begin incorporating the “other” in the reconstruction of our new narrative and journey. Because forgiveness requires affirmation and validation, we need to extend a listening and healing presence to those in need as they embark on their healing journey through forgiveness.
Moving forward, it is important to explore the process of forgiveness, including perspectives from both the injured party and the wrongdoer. We must also consider forgiveness in the context of institutions and systems responsible for structural violence. Additionally, the concept of self-forgiveness and its role in personal healing deserves attention. Finally, we should contemplate whether forgiveness is necessary for healing and reconciliation on both interpersonal and national levels.
Additional Resources
This Stanford University article explains the stages of forgiveness and the steps you can take toward forgiveness.
The Forgiveness Project shares stories of forgiveness from around the world. It provides personal narratives and interviews that highlight the transformative power of forgiveness in various contexts, including conflict resolution and healing.
The International Forgiveness Institute focuses on the study and dissemination of forgiveness research and education. Their website offers resources, books, and articles related to forgiveness and its applications in various aspects of life.
Greater Good Magazine’s forgiveness section offers a variety of articles and resources on forgiveness, exploring its well-being benefits. It provides insights into the science of forgiveness and practical tips for cultivating forgiveness in your life.
Psychology Today’s forgiveness section offers articles, blogs, and expert insights on forgiveness, its benefits, and how it can be applied in personal relationships and self-healing.
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